Due to a series of protests and general public backlash over the coffee chain’s approach to holiday decor, Starbucks has announced that their company will now stand united against all forms of religion, up to and including those which celebrate major holidays.

"The best way to be inclusive toward all of our customers in a non-discriminatory fashion is to remind them that god is, in fact, dead. And by that, we mean all gods—their god, your god...every god of every ethnicity or national origin is dead to us. This holiday season, we invite everyone to come in, order a warm pumpkin spice latte, pull up a chair and read their favorite passage from Thus Spoke Zarathustra."