@CandiBrandyWine is a full-time, professional advice columnist. You may contact her by email with your question, or you may follow her on Twitter and on Instagram.
As I sit here with my child, sound asleep, all I can think about are things like, "Who will she be when she grows up?" and "What will her voice sound like when she starts talking more and develops and grows into her own person?" Like all other good, cool moms, I too wonder, "Is she getting everything she needs from me? If I leave the room while she’s asleep, will she stop breathing? And why the f**k does she insist on singing the song of her people at 3:32am, every...f**king...night?! What an asshole move.
Yes, I think it’s acceptable to call your toddler an asshole. I mean, I think one should be able to call any creature who refuses to allow another to shower and/or use the toilet (without screaming at the top of their lungs to let them in) an asshole. But, apparently, I will miss all of these AMAZING things. Miss what, bitch? You’re telling me that I am going to MISS the crying every time I leave a room? The expensive-ass medicines? Not to mention, being unable to sh*t alone and never having time to myself??? I didn’t sign up for this crap!
There are even some single moms out there who are boujie as f**k on Instagram, with paid sponsorships! WHERE IS MY SPONSORSHIP?! Instead, I get to call my own mother to discuss fun topics, such as my child’s poop consistency...no, I’m not joking. Oh! And another thing: PLAYDATES ARE BAD, OKAY?! Not only are you worried about your child fitting in, but you’re also worried about stupid Chastidy’s weirdo kid scaring little CiCi with his "boy parts." I mean, you "forget" to baby-proof your sitting room (and, by the way, BABIES ARE NOT ALLOWED IN MY SITTING ROOM), but no, go ahead and let your snotty pug child on my white duvet. It’s fine. Everything’s fine here.
Say goodbye to the nights you were once able to convince your then-boyfriend that Tom from the bar is totally gay, and how it’s totally cool that you’re just gonna "crash at his place," because you don’t have a child or anything to have to go home to.
I guess what I am trying to say is this: now that the luster of being a single momma has worn off, and you’re quite aware that people aren’t doting over YOU (but rather, your little monster), go ahead and call them an asshole—you deserve it after all the sacrifices, momma!
"Awwwwww, what a sweet lil’ asshole"
—@CandiBrandywine ♡
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