Saucetown News

July / August 2019

PRINT ERROR RESULTS IN RALLY FOR NUG CONTROL

Due to an error by Best Lil Print Shop In Dallas, hundreds gathered at the State Capitol last month with signs calling for Nug Control. "Yeah, the message may seem backwards at first, but we thought about it and we’re pretty sure the weed industry needs some regulation as well, so here we are," an excited attendee reported. While certain activists brought their own signage, they worked well between causes. "The whole ’Ban Semi-Automatics’ message didn’t make sense at first, but when you think about vape pens, yeah dude, no one needs a full gram of pure THC to the dome," one protester told Saucetown. He continued, "Bowls take time to reload and responsible glass bong owners always make sure the chamber is empty. So, yeah, I’m fully in support of banning automatics."

Across the street from the protest, several counter-protesters waved "Don’t Tread On Me" flags, while chanting about their right to own dab rigs. Neither side realized that they would probably get along, if only they just sat down and smoked a joint together.

SALEM ART FAIR TO FEATURE LOCAL ARTIST

The Spirit Mountain Verizon HP Tesla Salem Art Fair (Presented By Facebook)—an Oregon staple that continues to attract dozens of recurring visitors to Bush Park each July—has decided to show some love to the Willamette Valley, by featuring one of its best artists.

While most exhibitors at the fair are usually well- off early retirees from Silicon Valley, one local woman (whose name will remain anonymous, per request of the event organizers) has been proudly asked to "sell her trinkets or whatever" in the parking lot for the event.

"This will really give the event a ’local’ feel," event organizer and Amazon investor Allison McKenzie told Saucetown. "Of course, we also expect people to flock to Sonoma Stick Figurines and San Fran Bran Muffins, as well. That’s why we partnered with Washington Mutual to provide no-limit ATM machines."

Admission is only $49 each day.

STARBUCKS CORPORATION UNDER FIRE FOR NOT PROMOTING BLACK COFFEE

After a social media backlash brought attention to Starbucks and their lack of in-house promotion of black coffee, the Seattle-based company is responding to criticism.

"In an age of equal representation, inclusion and and respect for all walks of life, it is a shame that our company goes out of its way to avoid promoting black coffee," a regional manager told Saucetown. "The attitude of ’foam on top’ is harmful and we have decided to make serious changes to our corporate structure, in order to ensure that honest, hard-working black coffee gets promoted the same way that the sugary white stuff does. And no, a ’caramel drizzle’ doesn’t count. When someone comes into our store and asks for a black coffee with no sugar and no cream, we want them to feel welcome—as long as they’re not one of those problematic ‘urban’ customers."

YOUR WIFE WANTS A DIVORCE

According to insiders, your wife of two years has started to reconsider her life choices and is planning to file for legal separation. Sources indicate that she is afraid to bring things up to you before she speaks to her lawyer (with whom she is sleeping) and that you will continue as if everything is fine, even though your marriage is crumbling without your knowledge. Experts predict that you will lose more than half of what you own, but will find it easy to numb yourself emotionally, by dating someone much younger than you and buying a used BMW with what little savings you are able to recover.

(More July / August 2019 Articles & Content)