Ask A White Girl: Answering Unread Emails

@CandiBrandyWine is a full-time, professional advice columnist. You may contact her by email with your question, or you may follow her on Twitter and on Instagram.

Dear White Girl, I’m thinking about proposing on this upcoming Valentine’s Day. But, I’m having second thoughts and I don’t know if I really want to spend the rest of my life with the girl I’m in love with. Please let me know what I should do, before February rolls around...

Ummm...obvs, yes. But, did you? That’s my question. If you didn’t, you should break up with her and apologize for wasting her time...that poor girl. Tell her that you were going to propose, but you didn’t, and now you’re too ashamed for having hurt her by telling her this. It’s YOUR fault. You’re both better off alone. You’re welcome . And, if you did propose, I hope she said "no," because she deserves to be with a man who wouldn’t message another woman for advice. ♥

Dear "Candi," your column is sexist, ignorant, bigoted, anti-American and makes me cringe every time I read it. You give blondes a bad name.

Awh, thank you!!! ☺ xoxo

Hey Candi. I’m a young college student who tries their hardest to be in-touch with their progressive side. I’m currently dating a super awesome feminist girl, but I don’t know how to approach traditional gender roles, when it comes to modern dating. Do I offer to pay for the tab, or is it sexist to assume that she won’t cover her half (or the whole thing)? What do modern women really want? Any advice is appreciated.

Well, I’m a picky girl who doesn’t really know what she wants, and most women are like me, even trans people women, which is why they’re so confusing. Wait, did that sound phobic or something? Sh*t, you just got me in trouble!!! ☹ Now I have to have another one of those talks with my editor. I’m already on thin ice, so fu*k you for asking this.

Hey Candi, I have recently become involved with a new partner after several years of not dating. My partner tells me that I’m super attractive and he loves me the way I am, but i just can’t seem to reach orgasm when we make love. Do you have any tips on that subject?

Hey gurl. Whenever I have trouble with reaching climax, I always think of the best day of my life, which involved going to Nordy’s after I stole my boyfriend’s phone and used his Venmo account to get myself a Starbucks gift card. Then I found a sale on those Calvin Klein bras that I can never find in my size. Thinking about that day always helps me climax, so you should try thinking of that day, too. I mean, you sort of had to be there, I guess, but if thinking about that amazing day doesn’t work for you, nothing will.

Dear White Girl...I’ll get right to the point. I am about to have a baby with the guy I’m dating, but I’m not even sure it’s his. What do I do?!?

Girl, don’t stress, haven’t you heard of a back-up daddy? You got this. Find the richest old man you canóbut, not too old, because their stuff needs to work, in order to make it believable. Make what believable, you ask? The pregnancy, of course! So, when the baby comes out and you don’t think the real father can provide (or you just don’t want to deal with his dry skin, poor fashion choice and large pores for the next eighteen years), you can just pass off little Raleighnee to your back-up daddy and his retirement accounts. You’ll be free to travel, shop and be single again, all while your precious baby is in good (but, possibly liver-spotted) hands.

@CandiBrandywine

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(More May / June 2019 Articles & Content)