Saucetown News

May / June 2019

ILLEGAL SALES OF PLASTIC BAGS SEE SHARP INCREASE

As more and more Oregon-area businesses attempt to curtail centuries of geologic evolution by mandating usage of paper bags for shoppers, not everyone is falling for the brown bag craze. Some folks, mainly those who operate outside of the law, are taking things into their own hands, literally. "I have at least a hundred of these things under the sink," one illegal entrepreneur told Saucetown, re-questing to be anonymous. "I used to sell pot to the kids who aren’t old enough to go to the dispensaries. Now, I make a good under-the-table living selling plastic bags to people at WinCo. Have you ever tried to get on a bus, bike or wheelchair with a flimsy, brown bag, full of canned food and frozen meat? Personally, I think it’s cruel to force the poor and disabled to clean up our oceans, instead of the giant corporations who are responsible for most of the pollution. Either way, it’s fifty cents a bag and I give breaks at a dozen units."

Other residents are happy to embrace the new plastic bag law, shunning those who would oppose the use of paper to carry their groceries. "It’s really not that big of a deal," says West Salem resident Karen Smith-Baxter. "Just put down the two back seats in your Prius and remember to bring the re-usable bags from Whole Foods, which you should already own. I don’t see why everyone else can’t do this."

FEDS TO LIST GIRL SCOUT COOKIES AS SCHEDULE II NARCOTIC

After years of fleecing the American people for their hard-earned cash, the Girl Scouts Of America have just been dealt a tough blow in the form of federal sanctions against their peddling of addictive, savory, chemical-laced snack products.

According to government sources, the Girl Scouts have been targeting urban communities specifically, going as far as to knock on doors and set up display stands at local WalMart stores. "It’s disgusting, how they target our neighborhood, sell us poison, take our money and then come back the next day to do it all over again," one local resident told Saucetown. "To be honest, though, my favorite flavor is ’Thin Mint’ and the little brat who usually brings me my sh*t is late today. I’m really hoping she didn’t get busted. I mean, I know I can quit any time I want. I just need one more box of those sweet, precious cookies."

STARBUCKS PLANS TO INTRODUCE INCOME-NEUTRAL RESTROOMS

The biggest little coffee chain in the Northwest has decided that it’s okay for poor people to pee.

"Whether you’re black, white, gay, straight, trans, cis, able-bodied or wheelchair-bound, everyone has the right to tinkle, especially after drinking sixteen ounces of burnt espresso that costs more than a martini," a regional representative for Starbucks told the press. "But, we usually avoid making eye contact with the homeless people who sleep outside of our store. I mean, they weren’t always homeless, back when they worked at Bean Bros. Coffee. But, we bought that place—fair and square—with no mention of having to take in the old employees, even if they did end up moving into the alley behind our building. So, to show how "progressive" we are, the city has forced us to...excuse me, we have decided to allow non-paying customers—who usually just order a house coffee and loiter until the buses start running again—to spend up to sixty seconds in one of our solid steel, keycard-guided restrooms. The door code is 1298218648156, or you can just enter your Bitcoin address and that will buy you a full five minutes to poop, without having to purchase anything. And, Starbucks Card holders get to use toilet paper!

(More May / June 2019 Articles & Content)