Following a recent appearance in front of a Senate judiciary committee, The Zuck is once again being criticized for appearing well, inhuman, in a number of curious ways. My advice to him is to read this list of, and take to heart (or whatever) these...

Things Mark Zuckerberg Can Do To Seem More Human

by Dan Stone

1. When confronted with a question, cease standing stock still and rolling your eyes back in your head until you think of an answer.

2. Quit referring to people as "data-generation units." We know, we know... and we don’t care to be reminded.

3. You went to "the doctor" for a "check up," not to "a licensed facility" for "routine bio-maintenance."

4. You were "sleeping," not "simulating unconsciousness for 28,800 seconds, per the requirement."

5. Stop referring to your kid as "evidence of having biologically reproduced," and that you yourself, in fact "made all the necessary sperms for conception."

6. Don’t chuckle when you see people enter a restroom and remark, "again and again. That must be such a chore."

7. Most people are not amazed by biological products. Milk doesn’t impress us just because it "comes from squeezing a real-live creature! A big one!"

8. A smile is not just baring teeth. It usually requires a pleasant or calm expression on the rest of the face as well, not a look of distant apathy.

9. If someone proposes a hypothetical scenario in which you flip a tortoise onto its back, but do not immediately right it, don’t spaz out!

10. Stop acting like you’re wearing a cheap, ill-fitting suit no matter what clothing you have on.

11. If you cut yourself, say "ouch" or "ow," not "oh no! My fluids are escaping!"

12. When you dance, you may move your lower body, and you do not have to hold your limbs at angles and move them in direct, halting motions.

(More March / April 2019 Articles & Content)