It’s every girl’s dream—to grow up, meet a man, fall in love and then take him for half of everything he has in an ugly, drawn-out legal battle. But, in the current year, so many people are getting divorced that it’s really hard to make a separation stand out. That’s why I promise to make my next divorce the best one ever.
For instance, a lot of newly separated women forget about finding a good DJ, a professional photographer and an entire kitchen staff with gourmet cooking skills. Me? I’m already sleeping with all of the above—noncommittal men with little aspiration, ready to hook up with a woman who is technically still married, and perfect for fleeting emotional support. Trust me, when the time comes to leave my current husband, I won’t have a single lonely night in between him and the next one.
I’m a hard-working, professional woman who barely looks 42 and can sing karaoke with the best of ‘em. Any guy would be lucky to divorce someone like me, especially the man who gave me half of my last name (and, soon, half of his net worth). Sure, it would be the mature thing to go with a mutually agreeable split that is kept between lawyers and the courts, but what’s the fun in that? I’m going to make my special day one that will fulfill all the wishes I had as a little girl, right down to the pony farm.