Saucetown News

March / April 2019

EXPERTS PREDICT TAP HOUSING MARKET COLLAPSE

Economists and casual beer drinkers have both indicated an exhaustion in the tap housing market, with the trend of smug bar owners charging nine dollars for a warm pint of apple-flavored lager expected to come to a long-awaited halt sometime this summer. Dro Bixby, owner of The Best Little Taphouse In Keizer, admits that the majority of his clientele is only frequenting his bar because they lack basic common sense. "We have this stuff, Fuzzy Pineapple Stout, from Bend. It tastes like black mold mixed with cheap perfume and the college kids pay, like, eleven bucks a glass to drink it. Plus, we serve it lukewarm on a sticky counter top and somehow our Yelp review is sitting just above 4 stars. Sadly, we’re going to have to pack this racquet up and skip town, once folks figure out they can get good beer at Keizer Mart for an eighth of the price we charge for this organic dirt water."

TAX SEASONING ADDED TO LOCAL BURGER RECIPE

Mark Jackson, owner of The Bohemian Bun & Bovinae, expressed anxious enthusiasm about his restaurant’s new menu options, which now include a few minor additions to adjust for what he calls "the unexpectedly surprising taste of reality."

According to Jackson, "Our customers have been coming here since we’ve opened and we consider them friends. Which sucks, because we’ve been so focused on making people happy that we forgot to add our special ingredient, which is profit. Parsley. I meant to say ‘parsley.’ So, we’ve made adjustments to our menu, fired...excuse me, ‘promoted’ some of our head chefs to the free market and I’ve also given my teenage daughter a sixteen-hour-per-day shift tor a summer job."

HEADLINE NEEDED

Hey Karen, I went to the store for a few minutes. Can you put something here before we go to print?

"MISSED CONNECTION" TURNS OUT TO BE DODGED BULLET

A Craigslist ad placed late last Wednesday evening actually serves as a reminder of the recipient’s luck and a need for increased awareness regarding the safety of strangers in public. The ad read as follows:

"U were girl with long hair that smelled like flowers and was busy looking for baby formula. Me: large, misshapen man in green hair and Minecraft shirt, who followed you around the store while you shopped. Sorry I didn’t say anything at the time, was high on bath salts and pain pills, had to go pass out in my car. Let me know if you’d like to grab coffee or something."

According to sources at Whole Foods, the recipient of the missed connection is not likely to accept the poster’s invitation for a lunch date. In related news, that one guy from out of town is still looking for some nice laydees to hang out with.



Check out Salem-based band Years For Months on Bandcamp! Art by Sean Simmans

(More March / April 2019 Articles & Content)