Saucetown News

February 2019

PORTLAND, OR TURNS FIFTEEN YEARS OLD

Close friends and family wished the city of Portland, Oregon a happy fifteenth birthday last month. The adolescent city, known for its youthful exuberance and naive attitude toward the world of adult responsibilities, is finally learning how to drive, eat properly and in a few years, may even be able to pay its own bills. At press time, Salem, Portland’s younger sibling, was too busy working and could not afford to attend the city’s latest birthday party.

KARAOKE SINGER STOPS BELIEVING

After attempting to hold on to that feeling for more than three minutes, intoxicated bar patron, divorcee and karaoke singer, "Big" Kimmy Chesterfield, gave up on believing and just held on to the mic for the remainder of her song, while attending South Sunnyside Bar & Grill’s "Sing With Tha Stars" event. Kimmy then left the stage, puked a little bit in her mouth and hit on a man ten years younger than her, while he drank Coors and shot pool. Two minutes later, the man proudly sang "Crazy Bitch" without looking at the lyrics.

MCDONALD’S SHAKE MACHINE IN WORKING CONDITION

Scientists and statisticians were baffled last month, after a Corvallis-area customer requested a chocolate shake from a McDonald’s drive-thru, to which an employee responded with "Sure, will that complete your order?" Although the world’s most respected physicists have yet to present a hypothesis as to how, or even why, this could happen, top government officials have expressed that the public should remain calm and indoors, as to avoid potential rioting.

THAT ONE PLACE YOU USED TO EAT AT SUCKS NOW

Sources close to you have indicated that the place with the good tacos got bought out by some people from California, and now the food is pretty bland, even though they have a new bar. Studies have shown that you will casually boycott the place for a few months, before giving in and going back, because it’s better than Taco Bell (but still not as good as Del Taco).

SUPERBOWL ADVERTISEMENT ENDS RACISM

As of Sunday, February 3rd, 2019, racism is no longer a thing, thanks to a polished, woke advertisement from Adidas. The shoe company, whose large profit margin is due mostly to exploiting foreign children forced into extremely substandard working conditions, launched their latest commercial, titled Hey, That’s Not Okay. In the thirty second ad, a Ku Klux Klan member is seen reaching for a can of gasoline to light a cross, at which point his neighbor says, "Hey, dude...that’s not okay," prompting the Klan member to rethink his bigotry, drop the gasoline and buy a pair of sneakers. According to the latest reports, instances of racism have dropped by nearly 100% since the ad aired. Sadly, Bed Bath & Beyond was not as successful with their God Is Watching You Pee campaign, which was intended to end the issue of men leaving the toilet seat up.

(More February 2019 Articles & Content)