Greetings, loyal reader! Welcome to the third issue of Saucetown, which is proving to be Oregon’s most legitimate publication. I mean, we could go on and on about attack owls or tell you how to vote, but we’re trying to be professional here. So, instead, we’ve put together a brand-spanking-new issue that not only features more content, but a brand new font called Futura LT (print only—we can’t afford to pay for the online version). You know that we mean business when we start installing new fonts in the ol’ Windows XP desktop computer. Now, when we approach potential ad clients, we can be like, "Look! One of us went to school!"
Speaking of school, rumor has it that Linn-Benton Community College (I hope we spelled that correctly) now carries our magazine, for their students to read and become inspired by. While that is good news, we do want to remind you college kids that you should be doing things with your life that matter, that will pay off in a few years, such as purchasing large amounts of Bitcoin, going on a date with someone who doesn’t mind your daily Del Taco intake, racking up XBox achievements and eating lots of pizza (trust me, as someone with enough debt to choke a horse, I don’t regret a single slice from my dorm days).
Come to think of it, though, I didn’t actually attend college. Nor did I live in a dorm...it was more of a trap house. In fact, that wasn’t Chemistry 101 at all, now that I think about it. Damnit. Time to call Sallie Mae...
-Saucy McSauceface, Mayor Of Saucetown